GATHER | Campfire Chat | May 2020

[Mary]

”The Weight

Carol, thanks for maintaining this space for responding to the chat discussion when the chat itself is not live. And for all the work that goes into the Free School by so many! This week’s question, how have you experienced Knowledge in the past, came up at Encampment 2012, and my answer was, um, I don’t know, except for when I was a baby? (based on my mother’s account of her experience of me around those years) Now this time, with a week to reflect and years of Free School attendance, the answer is … well, like seeing myself as an oyster in profile–the crusty exterior, the soft inside holding a luminescent pearl that has been quite aggravating, unknown to that invertebrate bouncing around the ocean floor. Quite a lot of work, on every level, using every resource available, has gone into this realization of a thing that is like a nothing that has nevertheless been such a great weight, and I do need to drop it right here in this not so secret hiding place. Very therapeutic and restorative to do, to share in the context of the love and understanding of this community. Tears of release fall from my eyes while these words fall on this page. Thank goodness, no one would want to read through this unless they cared enough to follow it, so much, so layered and dense, says this oyster.

In 2001, while watching brain-numbing t.v., a thought intruded from not my own mind, for it addressed me in the second person (as “you”): “You seem to have repressed a memory.” My reaction was so immediate and resistant that until now I could not remember the exact words given, could never encapsulate it in “7 or fewer words.” The words “repressed memory” in my quite slippery neural network connected immediately to the supposition of sexual abuse, with a supposed culprit identified so immediately I jumped up and went outside, inwardly saying, no, no, no, not true. After a year of holding this idea, along with psychotherapy (sitting in that therapist’s office the whole time with the question “so this is all about a voice out of the blue” on the table between us), I came to find that actually: no, though I do seem to have characteristics of someone who has so suffered, I can rule out this kind of violation. I’m now reading The Body Keeps the Score that describes such characteristics, from whatever trauma; and I can only conclude that living in Separation is inherently traumatic, after looking, looking, looking for whatever it might be that would make me appear to have these characteristics that, in a word, boil down to being highly neurotic, if that word could be used non-judgmentally, i.e., in the straightforward psychological definition of being “highly sensitive to negative influences.”

I did not pursue hypnotic regression. I am now working with a highly qualified hypnotherapist and have yet to go under hypnosis, even though I do understand it would be the equivalent of going deep within, accompanied by a trusted ally. I do consider it the equivalent of facing myself and do reflect on my willingness to so submit myself to this scrutiny as a measure of how ready am I to face whatever that memory is. I do keep in mind how Steps tells us, “all you will find is Knowledge” when you can see yourself truly.

I will close for now and return later to continue this process like Pandora sifting through everything to get to that thing that is light as a feather and more than everything that has buried it at the very bottom of the box.

[Mary]

The Body Keeps the Score

Wow, last Saturday’s chat was helpful in refining the question, and also Marshall’s tweet yesterday, “It is more important to live with important questions than to collect a lot of answers.” It helped also to see the 7 words from 2001 here on the page, to notice how they were obscure to me until placing them here, previously a jumble of confusion, as my memory put too much emphasis on the word “seem,” wanting to substitute “have the appearance.” In these years of living with this question of what this was about, I had at one time supposed this was a case of misdirection from an interfering influence, but the very gentle and intimate quality of the experience–after living with that hypothesis for a while–ruled that out. [Alien abduction also I find not present, however many times or from whatever angle I inquire.]

So last week while I was present to that memory, specifically holding it against the question whether hypnotic regression was necessary, another memory kept coming into view, and I had to wonder, is that it, is that what I have been actively suppressing with such determined avoidance to such effect that holding it within–in the very core of my being, actually, right behind my belly button–that I am now what they call “gut-compromised” and, now that I am repairing my digestion, I can afford to feel what I know?

Now having placed those words here, exposed for all to see, I see them through the eyes of witnesses. Oh, clearly there is association with memory of mission. In fact, the first words I ever heard out of the blue were “You have a purpose in your life,” as I was walking to class at university soon after becoming a Christian. I looked up at the sky and only saw clouds and only kept walking, finding it rather obscure and not very remarkable, both the voice and the message, not exactly actionable. But within six weeks I was on a one-way flight to Boulder, Colorado, a town embodying emptiness with students away, as it was winter break. It was as if I expected the next clue on a scavenger hunt to appear. After a matter of days I only saw the emptiness. Coming across a ride-share board on campus, I supposed the next step was to keep moving and in short order caught a ride that deposited me on Venice Beach in Los Angeles, California, facing the Pacific Ocean and realizing I had gotten as far as I could. Returning home, chagrined, I told my (very relieved) mother, “I thought I was following the Holy Spirit.” What I meant was, “I think I’ll try conforming now.” Conforming to expectations, returning to classes, putting one foot in front of the other on the ground while the heavens above kept on ringing with truth no matter how hard our hearing. [my family’s tolerance and witness of my spiritual journey is another story]

That book The Body Keeps the Score was the prompt for the connection: how great was my disappointment on that naive experiment in following? How had I internalized my error, what was it like to hold it within while attempting to conform to tradition and expectation? There would be other experiments–feeling uneasy about not going canoeing one time, finding no reason for it and no validation one way or the other. And there was another occasion of being addressed by an unseen presence: being asked, as my wedding approached, “Are you sure?” and answering, no, not sure, but doing this anyway.

Last week the practice of reviewing this relationship with Knowledge most prominently showed what a difference wise guidance makes, and the value of committed, aligned community. Other elements of the narrative (not included here) reinforce Marshall’s teaching, “Practice makes permanent.” Walking through the world, working to heal that center of my innermost (physical) being, allowing it to relax, noting the consequences of mistakes, understanding how fruitless it is to ask what might have been–all these things represent to me, “taking the next step” along with continuing to take the Steps. On the May 9, 2020, Chat Marshall did state at greater length what he said when once I had to ask him–in a dialogue of less than 20 words–what my early arrival in Boulder was all about. He said, “Some things happen out of time.” Time is quite the challenge here, I must agree. Holding this question throughout the week, I saw also that the “gut compromise” was embodied well before that initiation into the trial and error method of following Spirit. I thought about other students who took similar one-way flights, only to arrive to find emptiness and the need to admit somehow the signals get crossed.

The book that prompted my line of inquiry, in the very helpful chapter that describes what we know about the mechanics and structure of the brain and the workings of the mind, has an image that I’ve kept in mind all week: how, when we see a coil of rope, we flinch, thinking it’s a snake, our emotional system reacting by association, until we look again to identify what is actually there. While I will ever flinch at first glance, with practice I learn to observe and correct that reaction, even while ever being careful to look where I step–rattlesnakes are actually abundant in this region!

[Alison]

Carol, thank you for maintaining this environment for the Free School Campfire questions even though the Campfire is replaced by a broadcast this week. I’ll reply to Question 1. How has the recent turmoil and uncertainty in the world and in your life affected your practice in recent weeks and months?

The general anxiety felt in the world from this pandemic at first felt very out of control to my mind. Hearing Marshall call it “static” in the first COVID broadcast brought this home for me, that I was not the only one having more difficulty than usual to be still. It called my attention to a need for a new plan of care for myself, including adding on scheduled practices for my day. My daily to-do list, after the usual work list, began to include very basic things like: Deep breathing, prayer and walking, even if it meant a phone alarm to breathe.
The turmoil of the world also affected other practices: It was time to look at the practice of engaging with world events and news, the practice of communication with those I work with, deeper listening and more active listening to others. A lot of practices such as stillness, reaching out to my companions, and healing relationships shine brighter as “vital” to me now. It always has been, but when spending long stretches at home with much fewer distractions and one, single mental environment– wow, it is clear what gives and takes from my vitality. I think at the end of my life I will be thankful for an interlude like this and what it gave me through challenge.

[Unknown Member]

Saturday, May 30:
1. The current condition of my practice is a dead stop. My Health Pillar is too weak to practice. I found out the reason why is because I have an eating disorder. I never recognized this coming from me because I have had an eating disorder all my life. I do not understand food. For five years now I have been bleeding out of my gut while going to the bathroom. Upon this recognition of self I decided I cannot design a way out for myself. I relinquished my life over to someone else to guide me out of my eating disorder. It is working. I am going back to my Steps as soon as my Health Pillar permits. It is this simple, after it being so hard.
2. Designing a schedule and following it. It becomes easy, knowing this is the one big problem I must solve in my life. Therefore, I can devote myself to this and all else should follow. Knowledge of priorities, thanks to The New Message teachings, are what makes this easy for me. Ambivalence was my greatest detractor, before discovering The New Message.

[Mary]

Saturday, May 30:

1. What is the current condition of your practice as a student of Knowledge and how can you strengthen or revitalize your studenthood in the weeks ahead?
2. Amidst the many commitments and activities of life, how can you make a new place for stillness and your Steps to Knowledge practice in your daily life? Are you able to get to this practice during your day? If not, how can you begin to make space for this to happen?

I took two weeks off at the beginning of lockdown, then returned to work, along with realizations that came clear when the Great Waves of 2020 and onward are upon us now. It clarified my plan to see what I can do to reduce the travel time in my schedule; it gave me courage to consider different approaches to solving the Work Pillar. I am working too hard now for too little; I have other things I want to focus on.

The upgrade to the Community Site has meant so much in terms of being able to send invitations to others around the same interests, a great relief to rely on “if you put it out there, people will come.”. The difficulty focusing in the midst of so much uncertainty affected my output. I find it such a relief to just be able to post all wiki inclinations to a group for awhile, and to be be able to ask for help with outreach to prisons, now to relax about that project not getting launched before it was better supported by a group just like the new website lets us form.

It gave me such a boost that I found myself, having posted some “words,” now could find a way to manage the visual images that have come to mind from “out of time” –not from this life and I would say not this planet. I gave myself permission to allow my own projections on these figures that appear in my mind. I go to a small group for verication. With enough small meditations on a different world, that world can be recreated to convey what it feels like to be an immature race stepping out into busy avenues.

My narrative now becomes an invitation to other students, if their visions are congruent, to write out the small details seen across time. https://wordpress.com/page/only1gang.wordpress.com/1429